Visiting a sex club is a unique experience, one that is different for every person, every club, and even for each time you go on such an outing. It is often not what you expect it to be but hopefully it is better than you might’ve feared. With the right prep, it can be memorable and transformative for all the good reasons.
When researching how to get ready to go to a sex club or which club to go to, people who’ve already had such experiences are a valuable source of information. To offer a first hand story of how it feels and goes down when you go to a sex club, we’ve interviewed Jacob, a nonbinary (AMAB*) bisexual person who is practicing ethical non-monogamy and has been to sex clubs across Europe.
How did you get introduced to sex clubs? Why did you decide to try them out?
Several years ago, I found myself on a journey of self-exploration and embracing my sexuality. During that time, I became curious about alternative experiences that could help me understand myself better. The concept of sex clubs came up in conversations with my partners at the time and through various internet websites, and I became intrigued by the idea of a space where like-minded individuals could connect and explore their desires openly.
However, it's important to note that my experiences were met with both positive and negative aspects. The prevalence of single men and the lack of proper etiquette in some clubs made me realize the importance of consent and respecting boundaries in such spaces. Nevertheless, my initial motivations were driven by a desire to understand my desires better and embrace a part of myself that I felt needed exploration.
Ultimately, my decision to try out sex clubs was about embarking on a journey of discovery and broadening my perspectives on human relationships and sexuality. It was a complex experience that taught me valuable lessons about communication, consent, and fostering a safe and respectful environment for all participants.
Can you tell a bit about your first sex club experience? What was the club you went to like and do you think it was the right choice for the first time? Did you make any mistakes then that you’ve learned from? Was it so amazing that you knew you wanted to do it again?
After careful consideration and curiosity, I made the decision to try out visiting sex clubs with one of my partners as a way to step outside my comfort zone and challenge societal norms surrounding sexuality. I believed that these clubs might offer a unique opportunity to meet diverse individuals and engage in consensual and open-minded interactions.
My first sex club experience was a mix of excitement and not knowing what I'm getting into. The club I went to had various private rooms and open spaces where people could interact. While the initial novelty of the environment intrigued me, I soon realized that it wasn't exactly what I had expected. In retrospect, I don't think it was the right choice at the time. The loud music and the party atmosphere made me realize there was a clear lack of clear communication about boundaries and consent, and that made me uncomfortable. I also noticed that the club had a significant number of single men, which affected the overall dynamics and atmosphere.
During that experience, I made the mistake of not setting clear boundaries beforehand firstly with myself, and then with my partner at the time, and assuming that everyone had the same understanding of consent. It was a valuable lesson for me, and I learned the importance of open communication, setting personal limits, and being more selective about the venues I choose to explore in the future.
While my first sex club experience wasn't as amazing as I had hoped, it did spark curiosity and a desire to find better-suited spaces that prioritize consent and respectful interactions. This journey of exploration has been a learning process for me, and I am open to the possibility of trying it again in the future, but every time with more awareness and preparedness.
Are you ever nervous or anxious about going to a sex club? What do you do about that (if anything)?
Some nervousness and anxiety was present, but however, my research beforehand and the vague idea of the club's environment helped ease those feelings. To cope, I familiarized myself with the club's rules, read online about similar experiences, and went with a partner whom I trusted. Taking things at my own pace and prioritizing my boundaries helped manage my feelings during the visit. With time and experience, the nerves diminished as I became more comfortable with the environment and focused on clear communication and self-assurance.
How would you pick a sex club today? What should one pay attention to when deciding whether to go to a particular sex club?
To pick a sex club today, I would consider thoroughly discussing boundaries and expectations with my partner beforehand. Researching the club for reviews and reputation online through Google searches and reading about other people's experiences on forums, Reddit, meetup sites, and other places is essential. Even one negative comment would raise my suspicions, as would plenty of “excellent” reviews from faceless profiles and/or single men. I would also choose "couples-only" nights since I plan on attending only with a partner.
It's essential to communicate your boundaries clearly with everyone at the club and observe the atmosphere and trust your comfort level. You should also familiarize yourself with the club's rules and guidelines and select a club that prioritizes consent and respects boundaries. For example, if a club has a prevalence of nights that aren't “couples only” or doesn't have any, and it has cheap alcohol prices, its primary target are single males. I would assume that the idea behind the club is not to build a sex-positive community but to earn money from single men who just want to watch other people having sex and try to join in - so that would be a no-go from my side.
How do you prepare for an outing to a sex club?
My preparation involves thorough research on the club's rules and atmosphere through reviews and forums, open communication with partners about intentions and boundaries, setting realistic expectations to avoid disappointment, and prioritizing our own safety and comfort above everything else.
What should you talk about before going to a sex club with a partner? What about if you are going with a friend?
Open communication is essential. Discussing your feelings, boundaries, and expectations beforehand is crucial to ensure a positive and respectful experience for everyone involved.
With a partner, I think it's important to have an open conversation about each other's boundaries and comfort levels regarding interactions with others at the club. Be honest about what you are comfortable with and what you are not. Discuss your expectations for the outing and what you hope to gain from the experience. This helps align both of your intentions and avoids any misunderstandings. Talk about how you both will approach consent with others at the club. Emphasize the importance of clear communication and respecting each other's choices throughout the visit. Address any safety concerns, and establish a plan to leave the club if either of you feels uncomfortable. Also, discuss privacy concerns and ensure that you feel secure in your decision to attend the club together.
With a friend, I would suggest discussing why you both want to go to the sex club together and what you hope to experience or learn from the visit. It's essential to talk about individual comfort levels and boundaries regarding interactions with others at the club. Make sure you both understand and respect each other's limits. Agree on how you will communicate with each other during the outing, especially if you decide to explore separate areas of the club. Establish a signal or plan to check in with each other regularly. Emphasize the importance of obtaining explicit consent from others before engaging in any activities. Respect the decisions of each person you encounter.
Plan a clear and agreed-upon exit strategy if you feel uncomfortable or want to leave the club at any time. By discussing these essential topics beforehand, you can create a safe and respectful space for exploration and ensure that everyone involved is on the same page about their boundaries and expectations. Open communication sets the foundation for a positive and enjoyable experience for all.
What can people expect to happen in sex clubs?
Sex clubs are a diverse environment where people may meet others who are sex positive and open-minded. However, it's essential to lower expectations, as there is often less sex happening than people might assume. These clubs primarily offer opportunities to socialize, make new connections, and explore one's sexuality in a respectful and consensual setting. Building meaningful connections may take time, so it's important not to expect immediate sexual encounters during the first visit. Patience and open-mindedness can lead to a more fulfilling and respectful experience in sex clubs.
Do you do any aftercare after going to a sex club?
In my view, aftercare involves taking time to reconnect and communicate with my partner about my feelings and experiences during and after the visit.
Discussing your experiences at the sex club can be a valuable way to process the events and emotions that may have arisen. Open communication allows both partners to share their thoughts, concerns, and any feelings that may have emerged during the outing. This can strengthen the emotional bond between partners and ensure that any potential issues or boundaries that arose are addressed in a supportive and understanding manner.
Aftercare should also involve showing care and consideration for each other's emotional and physical well-being. It may include comforting gestures, cuddling, or simply spending quality time together alone to reaffirm your connection.
In cases where you attended the sex club with a friend, aftercare can still be essential. I would suggest engaging in conversations about each other's experiences and feelings to provide support and validation for each other's emotions.
I would say that aftercare is an opportunity to ensure that the experience at the sex club is processed in a healthy and nurturing way. Communicating with your partner or friend fosters a deeper understanding and appreciation of each other's perspectives, enhancing trust and strengthening the relationship. I think that everyone's emotional needs are unique, so aftercare should be tailored to what feels best for both individuals involved.
*AMAB - Assigned Male at Birth