We all like to think that our romantic relationships will age gracefully, remaining joyful and stable regardless of the time passed. But change cannot be avoided — our circumstances are always shifting, we as individuals are evolving, and our relationships naturally move through different phases. Even when you know that relationships require intentional work, genuine effort, and close attention (and even if you practice what you know), your relationship can still find itself at what seems like a dead end. If you are not quite content with walking away from it, perhaps what you need is a relationship reset.
In this article, we talk about fresh starts in romantic relationships with Maud Nooitgedagt, an Amsterdam-based family and relationship therapist with an academic background in Psychology and a psychotherapist training in progress. Working with both individuals and couples, Maud has the opportunity to address unique dynamics within a relationship while also focusing on the personal growth of each individual. As she says, this dual approach helps her understand how individual issues can impact the couple's dynamic and vice versa.
There is often a lot of mention on how to avoid routine in a relationship and how to keep things exciting and new. But is routine necessarily a bad thing or can it be beneficial for a couple?
Ah, the dreaded routine! It's something many people naturally want to escape, especially in our fast-paced world where everything is constantly changing and exciting. After the initial phase of falling in love, relationships often become more challenging, less spontaneous, and require more effort. Falling in love can be seen as a delightful distraction from the "boring" aspects of life and our own problems — much like the allure of alcohol or drugs. But some routine is inevitable and can even be beneficial, providing stability and a sense of security when our basic needs are met and we're not directly threatened. However, it's crucial to balance this with new experiences and excitement to keep the relationship dynamic and engaging. So, while routine isn't inherently bad, it can become detrimental if it leads to stagnation and complacency.
What are some situations when a relationship might need a reset, a fresh page, or a new beginning?
Here’s where my narrative therapy background comes in — I always get a bit twitchy about the term "reset." It suggests wiping the slate clean, which doesn't quite capture the complexity of relationships. I prefer to think of it as turning a new page or starting anew. Relationships naturally evolve through different phases, each with its own set of challenges and opportunities. A relationship might need a fresh start after the honeymoon phase, during major life transitions like moving in together, getting married, having children, or even starting a new job or dealing with a loss. Recognizing the need to start anew often comes from feelings of dissatisfaction, recurring conflicts, or a sense of emotional distance. When these signs appear, it might be time to ask your partner for a meeting.
Is looking for a relationship reset a good reason to go into relationship therapy?
Absolutely! Relationship therapy is a great way to view and evaluate the relationship from a fresh perspective. Therapy can uncover ingrained patterns that aren’t serving the relationship and provide a safe space to explore each partner’s needs. It's like getting a relationship tune-up. Importantly, therapy encourages individual accountability, helping each partner understand their role in the relationship dynamics and take responsibility for their actions. By working with a therapist, couples can develop a deeper understanding of themselves and each other, leading to a more fulfilling and resilient relationship.
Could you suggest some other tools for giving your relationship a fresh start?
The right tools depend on the couple and their current phase. For young parents, it might mean mourning their pre-parenthood life. Other couples might need to discuss and redefine their relationship needs and desires, whether those are sexual needs or exploring concepts like polyamory or open marriages. Relationships are always opportunities for growth. The most significant progress I've seen comes from couples willing to examine both the relationship and themselves — self-reflection being the trickiest part. Growth happens when partners take responsibility for their own actions and reactions. However, this requires a foundation of safety. Each partner needs to feel secure enough to look at their own part in the relationship dynamics. Sometimes, individual therapy is necessary to create this basic safety within oneself.
Outside of therapy, regular check-ins, engaging in new activities together, and practicing gratitude can strengthen the relationship.
What are some common misconceptions or unrealistic expectations that couples may have when trying to rekindle their romance?
A common misconception is that a therapist will fix the other person's flaws, magically improving the relationship. Spoiler alert: it doesn't work that way! A relationship consists of unique individuals with their own backgrounds and perspectives. Another unrealistic expectation is the belief that rekindling romance can happen quickly without addressing underlying issues. Many people also hope their partner can read their mind and meet their needs without explicit communication. I address these misconceptions by emphasizing personal accountability and open dialogue. Therapy involves teaching couples to express their needs and boundaries clearly and listen empathetically to their partner. And remember, rekindling romance is a marathon, not a sprint — patience and consistent effort are key.
How would you lead couples in thinking about whether they want to stay together or not?
Sometimes, trying to refresh a relationship leads to the realization that it's time to part ways. I often have couples do a thought experiment where they envision their lives without their current partner — minus the fantasy of a new partner swooping in. This exercise helps individuals understand their own needs. The reason for excluding the fantasy partner is to avoid the trap of escaping into the idea that someone else will fill the gaps you're currently experiencing. This often creates a false sense of hope and distracts from self-reflection. It's crucial to realize that personal growth and fulfillment must come from within first. From there, partners can assess their needs and expectations within the relationship. If core needs and beliefs are fundamentally incompatible, breaking up might be the best choice. However, it’s important to realize that similar challenges will arise in future relationships. Sometimes, a relationship has deteriorated to the point where self-defense becomes a survival strategy, making self-reflection difficult. In such cases, individual therapy might be necessary.
Should couples do relationship resets, with or without a therapist, periodically and what could they look like?
As I mentioned earlier, I’m a bit wary of the term "reset" because it implies starting from scratch, which doesn't capture the intricacies of relationships. "Anew" feels more accurate — it suggests revisiting and renewing with a fresh perspective. Language is powerful and can shape our perceptions of relationship therapy. Terms like "relationship reset," "problems," and "rut" carry heavy, often negative connotations. Sadly, many people view relationship therapy as a last resort. I encourage couples to discuss needs, expectations, and challenges early on. This proactive approach can prevent many problems.
Despite your vast self-knowledge and all the books, podcasts, and TikToks you might consume about relationships, viewing your own relationship objectively is incredibly challenging because your emotions are always involved. Despite your best efforts, you are never completely neutral or impartial.
This is why working with a therapist can be so beneficial — they provide an unbiased perspective and a safe space to explore, making it easier to address and work through the complexities of your relationship. And let's be honest — even relationship therapists need relationship therapy sometimes. It’s like how plumbers have leaky faucets at home.
