Written by Paula Brečak for Self Studies

Summer brings with it opportunities to explore what lies beyond our inhibitions and the boundaries we are perhaps curious to cross but have never before dared to. A fantasy of going to a sex club might fit right into that category of something you always wanted to experience. Sex clubs can be exciting and liberating. They emphasize the sexual and the sensual, our physical desires and our intuitive reactions. They provide a space where you can realize your cravings for pleasure and passion, and connect with others whether for a fleeting moment or for stretched out hours.

While promising all those sweet and sticky sensations, sex clubs can also be intimidating. They can seem like a place where everyone knows what they are doing - except for you. Going to a sex club for the first time is an anxious and uncertain experience for many. After that first time, sex clubs could become a place you visit regularly, or just when traveling to new cities and feel especially adventurous, or perhaps you never visit one again. To make your first time easier and help you have the best experience possible, this article offers some tips, rules of thumb, and instructions for how to go about going to a sex club.

Choose the right place

Just as there are many different night clubs catering to many different audiences, so there are many different sex clubs intended for and drawing in various kinds of people. There are swingers’ clubs, queer clubs, clubs for gay men, for straight couples, clubs with BDSM dungeons, or ones with luxury hues. Then there are different parties and nights to choose from. Whether it is your first or hundredth time going to a sex club, you should choose the one that fits your interests, comfort levels, as well as your sexuality and gender. 

Sex clubs are usually cautious of straight men arriving alone, as they want to make sure safe space is established and women are not harassed. Many will thus not even admit single men during their straight parties. Such clubs could be a good choice for a few first times (and perhaps even afterwards) to make sure you are as relaxed and free as possible. Look for parties that state they are beginner-friendly and not so drastic. If you can, go with your partner or a friend you are comfortable with. Do your due diligence and your research, if you find bad reviews of a certain place or get a weird vibe, better look for another one.

Get to know the rules

Sex clubs and sex parties have specific house rules and codes of conduct, due to the particular activities going on within them. These should always include prohibiting recording of any kind and you will be instructed to leave your phone in a locker. You can also familiarize yourself with who to turn to if you are not feeling safe, like club staff or security. Rules may also state where you can find condoms, lubricants, and towels, and where to dispose of them once you are finished. Here you will find out where you are allowed to play - whether there are particular play rooms, areas, dungeons, and whether you can also play in common spaces like the dance floor or the bar. It is important to get to know the rules so you don’t find yourself in a tricky situation, but also so you can know what to expect and so you can recognize if the club allows for something you do not want (like recording).

Respect the dress code

Clubs and parties will have a specific dress code. The usual dress code for sex clubs is something, you can guess it, sexy. This can include leather, lingerie, nakedness or semi-nakedness, kinky and fetish attire, cross-dressing and drag. If there is a party with a certain theme going on, then the dress code will reflect that theme. Make sure to dress according to the dress code or chances are you will not be allowed inside. Sex clubs usually have a changing room and lockers where you can change to your chosen outfit, in case the outfit was not appropriate outside of the sex club.

Make a game plan 

A lot of people experience their first sex club together with their partner, who may or may not have prior experience. Whether you are going with a partner, a friend, or even alone, roughly plan what is going to happen. Think and talk about what you want to experience, how you might feel, what your boundaries are, and how you are going to communicate.

Perhaps you agree with your partner that this time you are just going to play with each other, or perhaps you agree that it is alright for each of you to go their own way and play with someone else. Make it clear how you will tell each other if you’ve changed your mind, and make sure that you both know it is alright to change your mind. You can come up with a few safe words that will indicate to your partner that you are no longer comfortable with what is happening or that you’d like to go home.

Take consent seriously

Consent is at the base of every sex club policy and experience. If there is no consent, there is no sex, only assault. No should always mean no, and only yes should mean yes, but in sex clubs, it is required that you really know this. In practice this means that you are not allowed to join someone’s play, touch them, or get into their personal space, without them consenting to it. You should always ask and respect the response that you get, without undue explanations.

Taking consent seriously goes the other way as well - you need to be able to say yes and to say no. Women are often afraid to reject someone because they don’t want to hurt their feelings, don’t want to seem rude, or were just never taught how to say no. In a sex club, knowing how to say no is crucial for you to have a good and safe experience. So if this is something that you usually struggle with, practice beforehand. It might seem silly, but feeling that word in your mouth will make it easier for you to find it when you need it. Stand in front of the mirror and practice saying “no”, “no, thank you”, “I don’t want to”, “please leave me alone”...

In case you ever feel unsafe or like your consent is not being respected, find club staff or security and let them know.

Know you do not have to do anything

Sex clubs are naturally all about sex. But the truth is, you do not need to have sex. You do not need to do anything. Especially for a first time, it is perfectly fine to just go and watch. Perhaps fondle a bit with your partner and then just stop at that. Sex clubs can be intimidating, so give yourself time to get familiar with them and comfortable within them and with your sexuality breaking that barrier between private and public.

Be gentle and patient with yourself, allowing yourself to get in touch with your sexuality and desire, to relax, enjoy, and have fun!