We may have sex with others together, but I choose you.

We may have sex with others together, but I choose you.

Brand manager, entrepreneur, and avid marathon runner Loïc* (50) and his partner, paralegal and chess player, Valerie* (32), are into swinging. They have tons of fun with it – from a steaming hot threesome with a beautiful stranger to playing erotic dress-up – but also carefully keep each other’s boundaries in check. ‘If I would compare it to literature, it feels like I used to experience six layers in my romantic relationships, now there’s an added seven,’ finds Loïc: ‘It really deepens our relationship.’

*Names are fictitious for privacy reasons.

Valerie: ‘I remember vividly like it was yesterday how I saw Loïc standing there by his driveway. I just drove through the front gate, a little nervous but mostly excited to meet him in real life for the first time, turning my headlights off to get a clear view and there he was. In his white shirt, all handsome, while he said: “I’m so happy that you came”.  

Loïc laughs: ‘Truth be told, I was quite flattered that such a gorgeous lady nineteen years my junior was open to come and meet me at my place. This (swinging) was still quite new to me.’  

Valerie: ‘We had previously gotten in touch on this website, where you can find suitable partners for a sex date. I just came out of a long relationship, and I was in the midst of what I’d like to call a “lost weekend”; just letting loose. I had hooked up with my physiotherapist, a fun ride. Then I was meeting Loïc, supposedly for “one night only”. Before he invited me over, he had sent me his LinkedIn to prove he is who he says he is. Also, I messaged his address in the woods near Den Bosch to a girlfriend. That’s how it usually goes, to make sure you’re safe as a woman out there on your own. We were drawn to each other immediately. First, we talked for hours on end, then we ended up in the jacuzzi – the initial plan – and we had the most mind-blowing sex, fireworks really! Fully satisfied, I doze off to sleep on his couch. When I awoke, we both knew we were nowhere near done, but I felt I had to finish my “lost weekend”. So, I went to a festival on my own, had an amazing threesome, and then returned. I never left him since.’

Breaking with convention

Valerie: ‘We define our relationship as monogamous: we are in a committed relationship with one another but do occasionally have sex with others if we so desire. I have had relationships like this before, but it was new to Loïc when he and I started dating. After my first two relationship, when I was in my late teens, early twenties, I quickly found the traditional way of going about romantic relationships wasn’t for me.’

Loïc: ‘We have been together for five years now, me and Valerie, and this is the first time I consciously choose to include having sex with others. In prior relationships I cheated a lot. It’s such a relief that now I get to share my life with someone I love where I just don’t need to anymore.’

Valerie: ‘The bottom line is that this is not at all just about the physical act of having sex with someone other than your partner. Moreover, it’s about allowing the other the space, the energy, the freedom within the relationship to fully express themselves for who they are. You grant the other this personal exploration without it intervening with what the two of you have which is sacred. Lust, to us, is a tremendous life force. Other than just sex with others, it’s about seeing and being seen, fully enjoying yourself, having someone step into your energy or you into theirs – whether that be through clothes, dance, energy, vibe or a spiritual connection.’

Loïc: ‘Six, seven months before I met Valerie I was with friends. I had always been very anti-drugs, never had an orgy. That night everything changed. The wife of a friend of mine started stroking me, and her husband sitting opposite us said: “Enjoy it!” It turned into one wild night. A few months later I enlisted on this website to try out swinging. When I met Valerie there was no turning back, we were together. After a few months we started going to parties like B.I.T.C.H and gatherings at home including sex with friends.’   

Establishing the game rules

Valerie: ‘What’s important to emphasize is that we are people who have sex with other people, but we are in a relationship with each other.’

Loïc: ‘You articulated it even better to me once by saying: “We may have sex with others together, but I choose you.”’

Valerie: ‘That also comes with clear boundaries and agreements. Realize that if you step into an open relationship you are bound to get “burned”, and you have to be okay with that. When that happens, you have to stay connected, you have to keep communicating and checking in with each other emotionally. That’s crucial. Also, important to clarify: when you cheat, no matter the type of relationship, the connection between you two is lost, broken. So that’s an entirely different dynamic and situation.’

Loïc: ‘What people underestimate when it comes to swinging is how swiftly your emotional state can change, and you have to honor that. Say, you have a hot date with your partner and others planned on a Saturday. Maybe you had a stressful week at work, you were really looking forward to this night, but then the moment arrives and you’re just not feeling it. Maybe, all of a sudden, you’re totally not cool with someone else touching your woman or the other way around. That’s when you must respect each other’s boundaries, which may change from one day to the next.’

Valerie: ‘One rule we have established: we don’t try anything new, say double penetration, unless the other partner is also present. We find that more pleasurable. Other than that, just play around with it. Sometimes you cross boundaries because those lines do tend to get blurred easily. That’s what I mean by getting “burned”. An example: once we had a fabulous time at this sex party. I went upstairs to go to bed a little sooner, I had a wonderful night and was fully content. Loïc wasn’t quite done yet, so he partied on a bit more. All good. Yet before I left, he promised to come bring me a kiss. He never did. In the heat of the moment, it had probably slipped his mind, but that was significant to me. He had promised and I felt like that would be the right way to put the night behind us as a couple. Things like this happen; it’s never your intention to hurt the other but it can occur. And when that happens, you have to open up the conversation to stay aligned and make sure it all balances out in the end.’

Outside of society’s constraints

Valerie: ‘The nice and truly liberating thing about this world is that I believe you shouldn’t have to get everything you desire on a sexual level from your partner. Maybe you have a certain fetish or fantasy that you can only get from someone else. If you’re open about those desires, whispering them into each other’s ears and pushing those boundaries together that’s a really exciting erotic experience. Of course, you have to be careful that it doesn’t turn into a sort of escapism; when you’re less happy in your relationship or in your own skin and you start looking for that security and heartfelt intimacy in other people outside of your chosen partner. At the same time, freely sharing your deepest longings with your loved one is so beautiful and freeing. It adds and extra dimension to your relationship.’

Loïc: ‘Something I had never expected beforehand was that I enjoy having sex with men. To me it’s not really about men, more about the energy of a person. That has certainly enriched my life. On the streets I would never look at men, but that’s outside of the scene. In this world you step out of the constraints of society. Such a gift to be able to live this way.’

That unforgettable night

Loïc: ‘There’s so much out there: fetishy, classy, kinky events, you name it.  There’s a lot happening in The Netherlands, but also in Berlin (the KitKatClub is insane), the US, Italy. Think Eyes Wide Shut kind of scenarios. Two, three years ago we went to Wasteland; very extravagant, lots of leather and latex. That was one smoldering night to remember.’  

Valerie: ‘It already starts with the preparation. We dress really sexy and eccentric. Loïc had surprised me with this artist, Fräulein Kink, designing me an erotic “Pope outfit”, fitted entirely to my body. White mask, high heels. I was like a walking statue. Loïc wore feathers all over. Then when you enter the party, everyone turns around and stares at you. To me that’s such an adrenaline rush, an all-time high! Then Loïc is really social, so he starts chatting with people. I take my mask off, to be more approachable, and I start to dance – that’s my thing. Meanwhile there’s all these performances; from someone “pooping” eggs to hanging on meat hooks.’

Loïc: ‘That sounds extreme but to me there’s nothing more breathtakingly beautiful and sexy then people losing themselves in the moment, in the energy, in themselves and their own erotic act.’

Valerie: ‘At some point this stunning woman comes up to Loïc, I like her too. Energetically it’s a match, we really feel each other. We go down the dungeon (there’s stuff happening on the dance floor as well, but usually there’s also a dark room or dungeon of some sort to sexually express yourself). We kiss, I hold her from behind and Loïc penetrates her – it’s as if our energies become one. Really exhilarating!’

Loïc: ‘That night the three of us stayed close together. We even stayed in touch afterwards. She lives in Oslo, and the connection is still alive. Hopefully we can get together again soon, a long-awaited reunion.’

Valerie: ‘After these types of events some people go to after-parties at hotels but that’s not really for me. Whenever I step out of that tantalizing energy, that chemistry, I need to land and have it be just me and Loïc again.’  

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